I have been so depressed lately, and I have no idea what the reason is. I shop to make myself feel better, to fill this huge void in my life that I can’t seem to identify.

It’s not my relationship. He and I are better now than we have ever been. After all of the bullshit that we put each other through and that we went through together, we have developed a whole new level of respect for each other. He knows me inside and out, and I know just as much about him. Our relationship now has more good times than bad, more laughter than yelling, more happy conversations than angry silences. I love him now more than ever, and I know he feels exactly the same about me. <33333 I love you, Mark Wayne Pasang. Don’t ever ever ever forget that, even if I’m sad about other things and don’t seem like I do.

It’s not my job. I love what I do, and I’m really embracing the changes around my workplace.

It’s not school. School is something that I am good at, and even though this semester is starting off pretty rough, I know that I’ll be okay.

I really don’t know what I have been so sad about. I don’t know what’s missing.

I spend hours in any single store, looking through every rack, every rail of clothing on the walls, every neatly folded stack of sweaters or jeans or scarves, every single bin of accessories. I see at something that I think looks cute, and then I have to touch it. If it feels nice, I have to try it on. If I like how it looks, I buy it. Holding all of those shopping bags hidden with my very own hand-picked special goodies makes me feel so happy.

But then I get home, and reality kicks in.

And then I have to shop again…